Behind The Mask

Trigger Warning: Self-harm, Suicide, Depression

The following diary entry contains discussions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and mental distress. If you are sensitive to these topics, please read with caution. If you or someone you know is struggling, know you are not alone. Help is available.

Dear Diary,

I have a perfect life.

A well-paying job, loving parents, and great friends. I smile like life is so good, like I have no worries, and like I can solve every problem in the world.

The truth is, it’s all a mask that covers up what I’m truly feeling inside.

I am so tired, and I wish I could explain why, but I can’t.

All my friends tell me how reliable I am, how I have everything going well for me– a good job, both parents and no real worries because I am so smart and can do anything I want. They tell me how confident I am and how I approach things head-on.

I can’t tell them how anxious I actually am. I must mentally prepare myself for a lot of things. My confidence is nothing but a facade.

Recently, my parents asked me why I drag my feet when it’s time to do things.

I want to explain that I am not doing well, but the words don’t seem to come out of my mouth.

How can I tell my devout Christian parents that I am depressed? How would they understand without the solution being to pray?

Yes, I pray. Day and night, I pray to be released from the shackles that hold me.

Every morning, I am bent over the toilet, expelling everything in my stomach because I dread what the day might bring. The thought of showing up at my job and dealing with my team leader finding something wrong with my design, sends me spiralling.

The thought that I’m a good-for-nothing failure who can never amount to anything plagues my mind, and my self-esteem plummets to the ground. My stomach is constantly in knots; I can barely keep any food down. I’m jumpy and guarded, never really letting anyone get close to me so they don’t see the real me.

After a terrible day, I break down crying at night. I have sleepless nights wondering if I must continue living like this.

All that fills my mind are ways to make it all stop. I stand in the kitchen, pressing the knife against my wrists. This has become routine for me. The cold metal gives me a warm embrace, beckoning me to accept it. For a slight moment, I feel relief, but it never lasts long.

I talked to a friend once, and they called me selfish.

In their words: “Do you think this is the Western world? You are smart, good-looking, and have a steady job. Asking for a stress-free mind and life is being greedy. You’re a man! You’re not a woman who is so emotional and indulges in things like that. No woman would want to marry such a weak-willed man. MAN UP!!!”

That triggered something in me. I did not want to be seen as weak in the eyes of my peers, so I found more ways to hide it.

I went to the gym. I used pills and alcohol to cope, something men are known to do. I got a girlfriend and thought everything was getting back to normal.

But sometimes, I find myself back in the kitchen, sharpening that knife any chance I get…

Yours truly,

A Soul in Silence

This excerpt from a fictional character’s diary reflects a reality written in journals across the world. Too many people carry their pain in silence, trapped between societal expectations and the fear of being misunderstood. Unfortunately, we live in a society where speaking up about mental health can be difficult, especially for men who are often told to suppress their emotions.

But it doesn’t have to end in the pages of a book. You are not alone. We encourage you to reach out to a trusted counsellor or a mental health professional. There is strength in seeking help, and healing begins when you allow yourself to be heard.

In addition to professional support, you can:

1. Join a support group—Connecting with others who understand can provide comfort and encouragement.
2. Engage in self-care—Small acts like journaling, exercising, or meditating can help manage overwhelming emotions.
3. Educate yourself and others—Breaking the stigma starts with open conversations and awareness.

Your story doesn’t have to end in silence. Help is available, and you deserve it 🌸

Featured Image by No-longer-here from Pixabay